DISCLAIMER My thoughts tend to sound better in books I didn’t write, and in the songs I didn’t sing. Even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way you feel. There is a double-edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows. [links] |
Love Letter
Saturday, June 06, 2026 / 12:00 am ♥
Dear Aekmal Hakim, I wanted to share these thoughts with you because I feel like I haven't expressed them enough. Sometimes, I struggle to express these sentiments because I'm not naturally good at giving compliments. But this isn't just a compliment; it's a heartfelt thank you. You'll never fully grasp how much I value you, how profoundly grateful I am to have you by my side. Over the last couple of months, amidst the ups and downs, you've been my anchor, keeping me grounded and sane. I don't want to spend this time crafting paragraph after paragraph about my love for you, because you already know how deeply I adore you. Instead, I simply want to express my gratitude for all that you've done, something I may have neglected to do before. Perhaps out of pride, perhaps out of embarrassment, or perhaps because I've always struggled to articulate my feelings verbally. So, thank you.
Thank you for always having my back and cheering me on in everything I do. You've been my rock when I've felt alone and confused. Your presence during tough times has meant the world to me. Thank you for always trying to understand how I feel, even when you didn't need to. Thank you for knowing when to set me straight, and for telling me when you think I’m wrong. I'm grateful for the small gestures like driving me home and keeping me company until I fall asleep every night. The little ways you incorporate me into your life, like including me in your everyday conversations. Thank you for introducing me to Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood; watching it together has been one of the highlights of my life... second only to you. Thank you for always reminding me that I’m the most beautiful girl in your eyes, you always know how to make me feel beautiful and loved. Thank you for the moments you make it clear you are proud of me; whether it's with a big grin after I've done something impressive or the way you present me to others like royalty. Thank you for not acting grossed out when you’ve probably had to see more snot than you’d ever planned on in your life. Thank you for all the wonderful times we spent together. Thank you for standing by me for these past 12 months, for making my problems your problems. And most importantly, thank you for loving me endlessly, for accepting my scars as a part of us. Thank you for staying, when you could’ve walked away. I know a lot of men would have. Thank you so much.
I'm immensely grateful for you, more so than you may comprehend, and I love you, more so than you can even fathom. Happy 1 year anniversary, love!
Yours forever,
Mai x
Pain
Wednesday, September 17, 2025 / 9:28 am ♥
Pain.
We all have it.
It is the residual aching from loss, failure, and betrayal. It is having to live with the mistakes you’ve made, the decisions made by others and the fallout from them. The pain reminds us that what happened was real and drives us to never let it happen again.
Much our lives are devoted to avoiding pain. Our brains have set up all sorts of defenses against pain and we say phrases like "I’ll never do that again" to gain some sort of control over it. But despite the good intentions and protections we’ve put in place, pain is inevitable.
Pain is my constant companion. We've been hanging out for many years now. At certain times in my life, Pain has been a long distance friend— he’ll write, call, leave voicemails and text messages every once in awhile but for the most part, Pain and I didn’t connect all that much. But in other seasons, Pain decided to move in with me. He followed me to school, to the bathroom, to gatherings with my friends and family, sat in my car and laid in my bed.
Pain was everywhere.
I learned to make peace with pain being part of my lifelong journey, but I've also decided that pain isn't going to be the theme of my life. I want to have a plan for my pain.
I know that some traumatic events in life will never leave me and that I'll think or talk about them for years to come. But rather than feeling the same gut-wrenching, panic-filled rage and shame with each recollection, I want to be able to reflect on my life knowing how painful times were without reliving that feeling each time it comes to mind.
I think about it like breaking a bone. When you break something that was meant to whole, it can be ridiculously painful. There are moments of agonizing, consuming hurt. The healing process is lengthy and hard. But when you heal and tell the story of how you broke that bone and how you recovered, you don't actually physically feel that pain anymore.
You don't feel that pain anymore because you recognized that something was wrong, felt the pain, decided you didn't want the pain to stay and went through the process of healing.
When it comes to our emotional pain, some of us never go through these stages and we're left feeling the pain from a wound possibly many years old.
I was trying so hard to get rid of the pain by actions that I didn't allow myself to sit in it. I thought that if I sat in the pain I wouldn't survive it. I thought there was no way to mourn and make it out alive. I thought that if I allowed myself to really feel and embrace it, I would be stuck in the pain forever.
That, however, isn't how it works.
Inviting the pain in is what saved me.
Letting the pain in is giving yourself permission to fall apart, but it ISN'T saying that you want to stay that way. It is feeling the full weight of it all, all the anguish and heartache, and acknowledging how awful it was.
The point of feeling your feelings is to create room for healing to happen. This space is created from emotional release. Instead of striving to get better, push the pain down, or attempt to numb it, I faced it. And it was really, really messy. Suddenly, I've become the girl who cries at everything. A song plays, and the tears fall. I walk into a store, and every shelf whispers memories I cannot hold. I catch a familiar scent in the air, and my chest tightens. Even the sunset hurts, another goodbye I didn’t ask for, but still have to feel.
And just as quickly, I've become the girl with anger.
I pass through a neighborhood, and my steps pound harder against the ground. I wake in the morning, and my pillow meets the wall. I scroll past a photo, and my fist curls before I even realize it. I open the fridge, and slam it shut because nothing feels right.
I gave myself permission to express what was happening inside of me, no matter what it looked like. It is me actively deciding not to hide from what is real to me. And it left me with room in my brain to unpack how to become mended.
Feeling your feelings is NOT the same as trying to torture yourself with your shortcomings or trauma. It is simply taking hold of a feeling when it comes, bringing awareness to it, and being kind to yourself about experiencing that emotion.
Pain isn't pretty and it doesn't require a pretty process. The important part is that you're doing it. Living a healthy life on the inside is a great image but it is absolutely terrifying to do the work to get there. But it is one of the bravest, most rewarding practices you can do.
I feel released.
Echoes and Dreams
Tuesday, September 10, 2024 / 8:44 pm ♥
I'm tangled in the threads of time, A past that haunts, yet feels sublime. You might think it's just a fleeting thought, But to me, it’s the fight I never fought. Each memory slips like a knife through the seams, Piercing the joy in between my dreams. Though they visit just now and then, They break me, twist me, pull me in. It’s unfair, this cruel divide, To choose between what keeps me alive. Two pieces of joy, two fleeting flames, Yet both, in turn, carve out my name. One burns bright with a distant light, The other holds me close at night. But neither will let me truly be, Whole and free, entirely me. A flash, a flicker, a sudden sting, And I’m left wondering what joy will bring. For every choice I dare to make, Another piece of me will break. You may think it’s not so bad, Just a thought that makes me sad. But it’s a weight I cannot shake, A choice I shouldn’t have to make. Occasionally, it owns my mind, And when it strikes, I'm left behind, Torn between the past’s soft glow, And what the future may never show. Two paths, both beautiful, both true, But in the choosing, I lose one, or lose you. Hugs
Friday, April 27, 2018 / 1:09 am ♥
Hugs are so nice.
Someone has missed you or is going to miss you. They love you. They wish to comfort you. They’re happy for you. They’re glad to see you. Maybe it’s a mixture of these, but whatever the case may be, you mean something to them.
Something significant enough that it makes them want to lock their arms around you and press their body onto yours, just to have you close. To get that little bit of a connection with you, whether it’s to make up for lost time or tide them over until next time, or whether their words have failed them but they just need to do something to show how they’re feeling.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and I just think it’s the sweetest thing.
About This Feeling
Saturday, November 04, 2017 / 8:30 pm ♥
You know that moment when you look at certain photos and you caught yourself laughing or smiling because it reminded you of something you couldn't forget? Like all those memories just flash right in front of you? I recognize that feeling very well. In fact, it has become an addiction. I think it's because it's a great way, at least for me, to relive those moments again.
I have been such a mess these few weeks. My feelings and emotions were (not surprisingly) mixed up. Like everything is not right these few weeks. I have this enormous fear about not scoring my SPM, I'm also so damn close on giving up in my studies. But it's funny how when you're about to give up on something, just on that moment, you realized of how bad you want it in the first place.
I can do this. It's just SPM.
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